Pleb's Countryside Highlights

I recently took a trip to the Lake District for a bit of fresh air and nature frolicking and it was incredible. There’s something about being out in nature that gives you a wonderful sense of calm and contentment, which, if you've read this blog much, you’ll know is not my natural state. If like me you’re a little tightly wound, here’s my top 5 reasons for ditching the sofa and heading out in to the wild for a few days.

1. Advertising

Ahhh nature, advert free since ‘83 (actually advert free since forever, but that doesn’t rhyme). Advertising is huge pet peeve of mine and if it’s not one of yours, let me tell you why it should be. 1. It’s relentless: it screams at you from billboards as you commute to work; it lurks at the side of every website; it rudely interrupts you viewing pleasure as you watch tv – there’s no escape in the modern world! 2. Advertising consists mostly of condescending, idiotic nonsense. By way of example, the current Müllerlight Desserts advert drives me crazy. You know the one, "If I had 3 wishes, I'd wish for a bubble bath, a fireman and for this [mousse] to be 99 calories." Why would she make such insubstantial wishes?! And if she must, why would she not wish for zero calories?!? Or even negative calories like celery?!?! 99 calories is not even low, Aero chocolate mousse is only 94 calories. And don’t even get me started on Nicole Scherzinger faking a "müllerlicious" mouth-gasm, again in the name of flogging us yoghurts. Luckily, as yet, the bastards have not taken to stamping ‘EAT THIS FUCKING YOGHURT’ on the rolling hills of Cumbria, and so a brief spell in the Lake District offers much needed relief from the constant barrage of mental abuse.

2. Exercise

I work in an office, which means the most exercise I get all day is when I get out of and then back in to my car. By the time I've finished my eight hour sit-a-thon and completed the forty-five minute drive home, stretching my stiff mannequin-like frame out in to a standing position seems like a Herculean accomplishment. The idea of then going to the gym or for a run just seems insane. I've already sat in a place I don’t want to sit all day, I'm now going to a different place I don’t want to be for a run?! No thank you, fitness freaks. However, heading to the picturesque hills of the countryside for long treks, hopping across river stepping stones and clambering over styles like I'm fucking Heidi or something, now that’s something I can get on board with.

3. Wildlife

There must be something about being an office drone that makes me more prone to outbursts of unexplainable excitement but there really is something about seeing an animal in its natural habitat that makes me crazy happy. I once saw a shrew, this was my reaction: ‘A SHREW! A FUCKING SHREW! DID YOU SEE THAT SHREW! IT WAS RIGHT THERE! OHHH MAAAA GAAAWWDDD! A SHREEEEWWWWW!’ I guess I need to get out more, but as you can see, I'm working on that.

4. Clean Air

For forty hours a week I sit under an air-conditioning unit that hangs there just sucking in everyone’s germs and then spewing them back out at me. If you can relate, I can promise you that there is other air out there. Air that hasn't already repeatedly been inhaled and exhaled by all of your virus-riddled colleagues before reaching you. That air, my friend, is out in the nature. Go get some, it’s sweet and fresh and probably even has magical powers… (unless it's ‘muck spreading’ season and then it just smells like shit).

5. This…

 Sure you can see views like that on your tv, but trust me, it’s nowhere near as satisfying.