HELP ME! I can't stop reading depressing books. I never at any point sat down and thought, "Do you know what's missing from my life? Lots and lots of books about schizophrenia and depression and people cutting themselves. Yeah, that's what I need right now." Nope, I never decided this but for some reason, the past 4 or 5 books I've read have involved someone with a mental illness who at some point thinks about suicide or hurting themselves or hurting someone else. These books should come with warnings attached. I'm not sure what kind of warning exactly. Something like…
I'm halfway through yet another gut-twisting gloom-a-thon of a novel but then after that I'm switching to rom-coms and comedies, I swear. I know that is exactly what most addicts sound like ("Just one more... this is the last time... I promise...") but honestly, it's true because every time my boyfriend is out I’ll wind up reading for just a few minutes and then I find myself on the floor, curling in to the foetal position with the bloodshot crazy eyes of a woman who just realised life is meaningless.
I'm a bit unstable as it is, I'm usually surfing a knife edge of normalcy and at any moment I could fall off the edge and either go right in to the 24 hour fun factory complete with clowns, cakes and a giant bouncy castle made of Haribo gums where every day is Saturday (WOOOHOOO, BACON SAMMICH DAY!) OR left in to the cold, grey pit of despair and anxiety and paranoia (That guy I don’t even know just looked at me funny, HE MUST HATE ME!). Trust me; you’d be better off being stuck in a lift with that creepy kid from The Ring than with me on a bad day. I should really only be allowed to watch shows on Comedy Central and read books by Helen Fielding for this very reason. Sure, it means I sing a lot (badly) and dance around a lot (equally badly) and yes, it's like having an ADHD riddled toddler around - but it's way less depressing than seeing me mope around the house like a bad fart that just won't dissipate.
Case in point: Yesterday my boyfriend was out and I knew I needed to cheer myself up so I went to the supermarket for some comfort food. I bought three ready meals for one and a small mountain of profiteroles. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself and looking forward to getting home and basically diving face first in to those sweet, sweet profiteroles. That lasted for a full five minutes, right up until the lady at the checkout looked at my ready meals, then looked at me, then looked at my profiteroles, then looked back at me and then gave me this sort of weak and pitying smile that 100% said, 'Oh, you poor girl.' And just like that I was back to being a fart again. I should really be used to this sort of thing. One time I had the house to myself for a weekend, so I rocked up at my local Asda for multiple pizzas and as much cake as I could possibly carry and this exchange occured:
Checkout lady: "Ooooh, getting ready for a children’s party or something?"
Me: "Nope."
But at least that was a good day, so I was confident in my 'nope' and didn't feel like I had to justify my dietary choices to total strangers. Yesterday was a bit different, I almost wanted to blurt out, "I don't live by myself with an army of cats or anything, I’ve just had a bad day, IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU, JUDGEY McJUDGERSON?!" I didn't though. I was too busy being a fart, and farts don’t talk.
Anyway, in summary, that is why I have to stop reading depressing books for a while, which is a bit disappointing because some of the depressing books I have been reading are really good. Anyone got any recommendations for good books that WON’T turn me in to a fart?
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Also, I’d like to give a big shout out to the wonderful, the fabulous, the profane Eric at Opticynicism for checking up on me via Twitter and making sure I wasn't dead, which was really very nice of him. Check out his blog, it's way less farty than mine.
Well thanks for the shout out! Glad you're back!
ReplyDeleteAs for reading material that will cure the farts from the first page to the last, read anything at all by David Sedaris. The titles alone are hilarious and if they don't have you laughing your ass off then there truly is something wrong with you.
Best part is he grew up in my hometown and I've hung out with his brother Paul a few times and the hilarity runs in the family. You may have seen his sister, Amy, on Comedy Central before too.
No problem it all, thanks for checking up on me.
ReplyDeleteOh, I've actually heard of him. Well, sort of. I remember seeing a review a while back for Me Talk Pretty One Day which said it was brilliant and hilarious so I'll check him out next then. Thanks for the tip! Any particular book you recommend I start with or shall I just go for Me Talk Pretty...?
And yeah, I know Amy Sedaris. She's in Elf which is my ultimate favourite Christmas film! Can't believe you're friends of the family - get you, Mr Hollywood ;)
You can't really read his books out of order, so you can start where you want. I was disappointed by NONE of them.
ReplyDeleteMy life is giant wet fart lately. No idea why, barometric pressure? I'm pretending that can be a reason.
ReplyDeleteI recommend the following books:
Geek Love, by Katherine Dunn
Cruddy, by Lynda Barry. Though it has sad parts they're so over the top crazy it makes you laugh.
I can't think of any other good ones right now b/c I suffer from "Song of Ice and Fire" disease, where everything I watch or read that isn't Game of Thrones makes me medieval-level angry.
Good luck!
p.s. do not read "1,000 Splendid Suns" b/c you'll wish, like I did, that the book came w/razors included.
ReplyDeleteHaha, thank you. I will look in to those books and I will be sure to avoid 1,000 Splendid Suns like it's made out of broken glass and typhoid as it definitely sounds like it could push me over the edge!
ReplyDeleteI am also blaming the weather, I'd say the passing of summer but we didn't really get one here in England this year :(
You know, there is something to that 'passing of summer' theory. So many people are struggling right now, I thought it was just my crazy family, but it turns out there is something nation-wide THING affecting people. Maybe the ragweed is especially deadly this year?
DeleteWe had a mild summer temperature-wise in Chicago, but being near Lake Michigan makes it 90% humidity most of the time, so we can hate summer no matter what. It's God's gift to the Midwest. And why we're so crabby and fat.
90% humidity?! REALLY?! YIKES, that sounds pretty rough. I went to Thailand once and that was like 70-80% humidity and it felt like you were drinking the air.
DeleteOh there definitely is something to the weather theory! And it's not just America, it's the same here in the UK. It's gone all cold all of a sudden and it's getting to that time of year where we wake up and it's still dark, we drive to work, there's about 4 hours of sunshine then it's dark again by the time we get out of work. It's like living for 4 months worth of that movie '30 Days of Night' except with less vampires. I'm getting pissy again just thinking about it!
Stopping back by to make sure you were still ok and in search of more upbeat reading material. Also, spending the weekend alone and needed to see the smiling face (and the Life is Pain face too as both are adorable). Any chance you have a twin sister that lives in Florida? Just asking, ya know . . . for a less creepy friend.
ReplyDeleteHaha, well thank you very much but, alas, I think I am the only person with my face... At least I think so...(Note to self - double check with parents). And you joke but I actually AM going to try write something "upbeat" next because my last few posts have been a bit 'woah is me' so I need to perk things up a bit. It's either that or I start handing out free anti-depressants to anyone who reads my blog! Not today though because I was drinking last night so today is all about lying on the sofa watching Parks & Rec and cursing alcohol and not being 21 anymore!
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