Story Time: The List of My Desires by Gregoire Delacourt

Basically: Short, bittersweet and beautifully written.

I don't know how to go about this. It wasn't long ago I was wanging on about depressing books driving me crazy and this is a pretty depressing book… but it’s also so really fucking good! It's about a simple woman living a simple life with a simple husband. Her husband, actually, comes across as a bit of a selfish arsehole and I found myself thinking, "God, why do women stay with losers like this?" But she is happy, she loves him regardless of his (many) faults and fuck, isn't that beautiful? Much more beautiful than my previous view, ‘This human thing is broken, fetch me a better one!’

So happy is this woman with her small-town life and comfortable marriage that when she wins the jackpot in the Euro Millions lottery she doesn't tell anyone. She doesn't even cash the cheque! Most of us would be boarding planes to tropical destinations shortly after becoming millionaires but this woman stays put, slowly and quietly contemplating how best to deal with the cash and compiling the list of her desires. It’s a very refreshing and unusual response and you find yourself unable to decide whether she’s mad or inspirational. But then… well, I won’t ruin it, other than to say that Jocelyne is not rewarded for her love for her life and the people in it.

Delacourt has created an incredibly bittersweet tale and it’s hard, at first read, not to think the final take-home message is, ‘SUCK IT, NICE PEOPLE, life is gonna get you in the end!’ However, a more positive person might reach a different conclusion. They might decide that actually, the book is simply saying that money changes your life and your relationships, and not always for the better. For those of us struggling through austerity and praying for a lottery win because we haven’t had a paid rise in years, can’t seem to find a better job and just don’t know what else to do, this book is an excellent reminder that money does not solve all problems. Happiness is a choice not an increase in funding. Happiness is in simple things, like pride in your work, or a book, or a smile - not in being able to afford a bigger house or a nicer car.

Verdict: Well worth a read.

Story Time: Any Other Mouth by Anneliese Mackintosh

You're going to need a stiff drink

In short: Errrrrrrrrr...

First up, this book is not a novel. It's a collection of semi-autobiographical short-stories which the author admits are 68% true, 32% not-so-much. That's an unsettling balance when you actually read the thing because the author tackles an array of harrowing subjects from mental illness to grief to rape.

The stories are written using an impressively broad range of writing styles, voices and tenses so I can't fault her ambition and prowess. That said, I'd be lying if I said I liked this book. It started off so gripping but by the end I was pretty sick of it and really forcing myself to turn the pages. Every single chapter seemed to be depressing and bizarre. I couldn't relate to the protagonist, in fact if we were Facebook friends I'd probably block her updates from my news feed.

There's a point in the book where the lead character is stroking her stomach and cooing "baby, baby, baby, baby, baby." Aww, that's quite a sweet thing for a pregnant woman to do. Yeah, except she's not fucking pregnant; she's not even trying for a baby. She's just being melodramatic. AGAIN. Like another time where she fingers herself whilst thinking about that oft-overlooked mastermind of erotica ANNE FRANK (yes, Nazi hunted Anne Frank). Yeah, that happens.

There's only so much of this kind of crap that any one book should contain. This book shoots way past the limit and there comes a tipping point where everything goes from being intimate and thought-provoking to just sounding like some drunk chick at a party talking about how many guys she's fucked in gory detail in a desperate bid to show how cool and edgy she is. As much as I applaud the author’s efforts for tackling difficult subjects with style and imagination, I can’t honestly say that I enjoyed reading it.

Verdict: Leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

Story Time Special Edition: A Tribute to Graham Joyce

Graham Joyce died yesterday. He had cancer, it was the bad kind, the kind people don't often win the war against. He wrote a beautiful blog post about it which you can read here. I’m immensely saddened by his passing, I loved his books, in fact, my first ever blog post on this silly little site was a review of one of his books. So when I found out the news today, I felt compelled to write something. Something that doesn't necessarily fit with the usual tone of this blog, but as it is my blog, I decided I can shift tone if I want to. My story time reviews are usually quite silly and giddy but Graham Joyce was such a truly wonderful writer, it just doesn't seem appropriate to write a tribute in my usual profane waffle. Also, please know, when I say he was wonderful, I'm not just saying it because he died yesterday and that's what you say when people die. I'm saying it because I was completely in awe of his beautiful prose and his impressive ability to create and capture a place or time in such perfect detail alongside the mystical and the fantastic. I believe really good fiction doesn't feel like fiction at all, no matter how bizarre the subject matter. That's what Graham Joyce's books were like. He threw you in to another world; he made you believe it was real.

So far, I have read three and a half Graham Joyce books. I make no claims to be his biggest fan, my Graham Joyce journey began only recently. Before Christmas 2013, I had no knowledge of him at all, but as fate often aligns to give us exactly what we didn’t realise we were missing, that Christmas my clever boyfriend took a punt on a book he thought I would like. When I tore away the festive wrapping paper to reveal 'Some Kind of Fairy Tale' (“SKFT”) I was instantly in love with the cover and intrigued by the blurb. I started the book as soon as I could find time between visiting family and eating turkey. My enthusiasm was not misplaced, the book was so enjoyable that I finished it in a few short days and felt a pang of grief when it was over. I was so excited by the book that I talked my boyfriend, my dad and many friends in to reading it too.

So why is this book so special? Graham Joyce once said, "I am less interested in ghosts than in people who see ghosts," and I presume he felt the same way about fairies. SKFT is less a fairy tale than it is a tale about the reappearance of a long lost girl, Tara, and the effect it has on her and her loved ones. Her family were shattered by her loss, her boyfriend was accused of her murder, the authorities were at a loss to explain and Tara herself had to survive an ordeal that was unlike the fairy stories we are often told as children. When she returns twenty years later, the old wounds of those closest to her are not healed but opened and Tara has to learn to adapt to a world, and a family, that has long since left her behind. It’s the unexpected but completely plausible responses and interactions of the characters that make this novel so intriguing, so unlike anything else I’ve read before.

I recently checked out Amazon to see the reviews for SKFT. It had 32 reviews when I first read it, there are 86 now, by rites there should be thousands. The book has a 4 star average with a very small number of 1 star reviews. Being nosey, I had to check out the 1 star reviews. They were exclusively complaints about foul language and sex scenes. So on that note, I'd like to add a caveat - Graham Joyce does not shy away from sex or profanity. But Jesus Christ, it's hardly ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ or ‘Trainspotting’! He writes about interesting characters in realistically fraught relationships and situations, not prudish dullards who throw uneventful tea-parties and exist in a controversy and conflict free zone. Why would any even want him to?! Although, as the old saying goes, 'you can't please everyone.'

After reading SKFT, I started buying up his other books. I read ‘The Silent Land’ next and was equally thrilled with it. It’s one of those unusual stories where you will likely work out the ending fairly early on but what keeps you reading is the mystery of how the characters will arrive at and react to that end. It focuses on a young couple on a skiing holiday who get caught in an avalanche and when they finally manage to free themselves, their resort has been evacuated. They spend their days enjoying each other’s company whilst waiting for a rescue, but things are not quite as they seem and they are plagued by mysterious events and strange figures. Like SKFT it’s incredibly well written and a joy to read but that is about all the books have in common. At this point I began to realise Graham Joyce was an imaginative force to be reckoned with and I was excited to continue reading his work.

My next Joyce book was ‘The Tooth Fairy’, which is another not-quite-fairy-tale. As with SKFT, the fairy is not exactly what you would expect and in fact, is rather grubby in appearance with a cruel and unpredictable nature. The story is focused more on the boy, Sam, and his friends growing up over the course of ten years, than it is with the supernatural element of the tooth fairy. This is considered a modern horror classic and I admit there were parts where I had to keep reading rather than put it down at bedtime because it was so creepy. I did, however, find the book less gratifying than the previous two. I feel like if I had read this one first I would have enjoyed it more because it doesn’t quite live up to the genius of the other two. It is every bit as imaginative, but ever so slightly less well constructed. That said, it is still an excellent read and it didn’t do much to deter my Graham Joyce fanaticism as I then bought ‘Smoking Poppy’ and the ‘Year of the Ladybird’* soon after. I am currently half-way through Ladybird so no doubt a review for that will be forth-coming.

I didn’t know how to start this post and I am equally baffled about how to end it. As I mentioned before, I am well aware that after three (and a half!) books I cannot claim to be his biggest fan, I cannot tell you everything you need to know about his work and I cannot give him the tribute that he really deserves. All I really wanted to do was share with people how much his work inspired me and made me fall in love with reading again, and maybe inspire a few others to seek out his work and see if he has anything of value to offer them too. And as he wrote in his last blog post, “why can’t our job here on earth be simply to inspire each other?”

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* Note: 'The Year of the Ladybird' was published as 'The Ghost in the Electric Blue Suit' for y'all 'muricans and annoyingly the cover is a bit cooler than the British version.

Story Time: ‘The Girl With All The Gifts’ by M. R. Carey

Like spreadsheets and paperwork for your imagination

The low-down: The front cover claims this is "the most original thriller you will read this year." I counter-claim "YOUR FACE IS MADE OF LIES!!!"

[Warning: Spoilers a plenty]

Review: Marketing People! I’ve had it up to here with you! I feel suckered and lied to, how can an industry be so unscrupulous??? What am I going to find out next, that there’s no such thing as Russian talking meerkats?!?!?

These scum-bags pretty much repeatedly kick you in the face with the message that this is not your average zombie novel. Well, let’s explore that for a second shall we?

What a typical zombie story looks like: Flat, clichéd characters forced to trek through zombie-infested territory, with little hopes of survival.

What this story looks like: Flat, clichéd characters forced to trek through zombie-infested territory with little hopes of survival but with the added twist of a sort-of-but-not-totally-batshit-feral little zombie girl along for the ride.

Hey Scum Bags - ONE ORIGINAL ELEMENT IN A SEA OF CLICHÉS DOES NOT AN ORIGINAL STORY MAKETH!!!!!!!!!!

It starts out well, there’s these kids on this army base and they're kept in cells and have to get strapped in to wheelchairs by soldiers before sitting in otherwise normal school classes so at this stage you’re all, ‘WTF?’ Then there’s this mad scientist cow who experiments on the kids too and you’re like, ‘WOAH! NOT COOL!’ Between the teachers, the students, the scientists and the soldiers there's an interesting range of characters and relationships to be explored. But at this point I sigh big because if the book had just stayed here in army-base-wtf-world it could have been quite fascinating. But, shoot forward just a few pages and we’re out in zombie-land with a rag-tag bunch of walking clichés.

Let's Meet the Team:
  1. Jane Everywoman, the try-hard-to-be-badass-but-actually-kinda-lame heroine who’s not perfect but who’s doing her best, gawd dammit!
  2. Captain Army Archetype, solider hell bent on survival cos aint no-one gonna die on his watch. Says ‘shit’ a lot, you know, like all manly soldier men do.
  3. Mad-scientist woman, will stop at nothing to be generally villainy in the name of science. Also pretty incompetent to boot because if you've cut a dozen kids brains open and not found anything useful then maybe it’s time to admit you suck at science and just put the scalpel down?
  4. Corporal Cannon-Fodder, the pissy pants young soldier with a heart of gold and a sad barely-passes-for-back-story back-story. You know why you’re here, kid. Go get eaten already.
  5. Then there’s Melanie, the girl, you know, with all the gifts? She’s actually okay and not all cliché and boring. So that's something. Although her "gifts" extend as far as 'can have conversations' and 'can manage to not bite people when she tries really, really hard.' So similar to that of any normal toddler, basically.

Each character has a back-story of pretty much one thing that happened to them ever and nothing else, so there are wanted men on Crime Watch that are easier to relate to than these walking, talking bits of cardboard! Apart from Melanie (ironically) none of the characters seemed like real people and I found it really hard to give a shit about any of them, in fact, by about halfway through the book I was hoping for a swift massacre.

The book also makes zero sense, often making tenuous leaps in a matter of pages from something like, 'We have to avoid the cities, that's where all the zombies are!' to 'We have no choice but to go directly through London’ you know, THE UKs LARGEST CITY? So basically a Homer Simpson level-of-lazy attempt at building some drama there then? Yeah, pretty much.

Then there’s the 'Hungries,' the books super-original word for ‘zombies’ because, you know, this is totally not your average zombie novel? These supposed death monsters can be outwitted by simply being veeerrrry quiet and walking really slowly... oh and some super deodorant called E-blocker rubbed in to your pits and your junk. Some creepy little kiddy zombies show up towards the end and they actually seem pretty dangerous and interesting but they turn up so late in the book that you'll already be too numb from boredom to really appreciate them.

I'm not sure HOW exactly but I've read some rave reviews for this book so if you want to go ahead and tell me how wrong I am, do feel free. I just- Eurgh- I don't know, if you're really in to zombies and stuff then this might be a must read for you, but if you're looking for something fresh and interesting, this ain't it. If you a want heart-warming zombie story then save yourself some time and watch Warm Bodies on dvd instead. Or if you want a truly original gothic novel then check out ‘Let The Right One In’ by John Ajvide Lindqvist. That shit’s incredible.

Verdict: Meh.

Story Time: 'We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves' by Karen Joy Fowler

A proper book for proper people

Some things: 1. This book rocks, 2. This book was just longlisted for the Booker Prize 2014, which means it is a "proper book" for "proper people" which means I am a proper book reading person now!

And we're off: So there's this chick right, and she's kinda whiny and very jealous of pretty much everything and everyone around her. If she was my sister I'd give her a slap round the face and tell her to sort her fucking life out, but she's not and her sister can't do that but I can't tell you why because there's this twist, see, they say so in all the marketing. I kinda wanna ruin it because fuck marketing, right? But I'll control myself.

So yeah, it's about this girl and her life and relationship with her family because her sister's not there any more and her brother's not there any more and that's the big question isn't it - Where the fuck are they? And you learn all about her life and how much it sucks to be a whiny little bitch but then you kinda realise she's got pretty good reasons to be such a whiny little bitch so you stick with it because she is probably the most interesting whiny little bitch you've ever read about.

Then there's this massive bellend that rocks up called Harlow, she's like a proper spoilt brat that makes this whiny chick look like an actual decent human being by contrast. So that was clever writing, I liked that. It made me want to get a friend who can't say a sentence without at least four expletives in it because then that would make me look pretty fucking refined by contrast.

Anyway, back to the story, which I can't tell you more about, because TWISTS AND STUFF so I'll talk about the writing instead. This chick writes in stream of conciousness style and you're kinda like, 'What the fuck, it was Christmas a minute ago, why is it fucking October again now? Wait, go back to that other bit! Oh, you're gonna circle back to that bit AFTER you've got me interested in something else now, are you? You tricksy fucking minx, you.' It's super clever because my ADHD barely kicked in at all when I was reading this which means it must be really good.

Verdict: Must read.

Story Time: 'The Bees' by Laline Paull

Like wasps only less twatish

What you need to know: In a world where all stories seem to be rehashed versions of a story you heard last week (starring Rachel McAdams), this is actually pretty original!

The rest: So there's this bee right, only she's a special bee and she's supposed to be a cleaner bee. So some high up bee, they're called Sages, get's interested in her and puts her to work in the nursery, where she shouldn't be because she's a cleaner and they're unclean, but fuck it, because Sage's do what they want, right?

You actually get to learn shit loads about bees and if you didn't know before you'll know afterwards, bees can be fucking dicks! That's one of the most interesting things, just how dickish the bees are and how every bee knows but they all just put up with it because that's how it works. Accept, Obey, Serve - that's like they're mantra or something. 

Anyway, so back to Flora, that's her name, that cleaner bee I was on about. Turns out there's a lot she can do that she shouldn't be able to and it get's her some pretty sweet privileges but it also get's her in to some pretty hot water too and so you get super interested in whether she's gonna be okay or whether the dick bees are gonna fuck her up. It's super interesting. 

Oh, also, there's these male bees who are like the comedic relief because they're like some sort of clownish Shakespeare characters only more rapey and they run around talking about their "swords", but sword meaning their junk obviously and that's fucking hilarious.

So yeah, basically, this is some pretty good shit.

Verdict: Must read.

Story Time: 'Some Kind Of Fairy Tale' by Graham Joyce

Probably better than the Bible

Executive Summary: This book 100% DOES NOT SUCK!

Full report: Some kind of fairy tale? More like some kind of what the actual fuck, AMIRITE?!

There's this family on Christmas right, and this fucking girl turns up and it's only just their daughter that disappeared twenty years ago! Only she looks the same age and she reckons she's been away with the fairies but this is fucking real life isn't it, so where has she really been? And they do tests and take her to a psychiatrist and stuff to try and figure out where she's been and you're kinda hoping this isn't real life and she has been away with the fairies because if she hasn't, well, she's probably been in a dirty sex dungeon or something and no-one wants that, do they? 

The book is not so much a fairytale as it is a tale about what happens AFTER a fairytale. It's asking things like, how do we closed minded fucktards deal with something so monumental? How can this poor chick get on alright in our shitty grey reality now with no-one believing where she's been, or even believing she believes she's been where she says she's been, if in deed she has even been where she says she's been? It's a proper mind-fuck.

To be honest, this is easily the best book I have read in ages! If you like fantasy, but feel like you're a bit too grown up for it now that it's all about teenage vampires and werewolves then this is the book for you. Seriously wonderful shit, can't stress enough how fucking magical and clever and beautiful it is! 

Verdict: Read it. READ IT! READ IT!!!