Friday 3 October 2014

Is it just me, or is my boyfriend insane?

I’ve thought for a while now that my poor, sweet boyfriend may actually be insane. For today’s post I've put together a few of his more recent quotes that I am hoping are simply evidence of comedic genius, rather than a giant cry for psychological assessment. I’ll let you be the judge of whether I need to call the men in the white coats or not…

He recently told me that if I was a smell, I would be bacon. To which I responded, "Umm... thanks, I guess." His reaction was a little OTT:

"What do you mean 'thanks, I guess'??? I've just bestowed upon you the greatest compliment known by man or beast! Fuck Bastille wanging on about filling soul holes! And Bedingfield can shit right off for being impressed about having hands that fit together!* NO, DOUCHBAGS! Your lyrics are worse than ear AIDS! It's all about smelling like bacon. Well, not actually smelling like bacon, but letting you know that if you were a smell (rather than a human woman), you would be the smell of bacon. See?!" 
* These crazy outbursts are based on song lyrics, just FYI.

The other day he emailed me to tell me how work was going:

"I've just had the most cringey meeting with a sales moron from a waste company, she said, 'Thank you so much for agreeing to meet with me'; 'You're obviously very clever,' and 'Ooohh, what a lovely portacabin you work in,' about a million times. I wanted to shout 'You're here to try and get your grubby hands all up and about in my products so just tell me how much coin you're gonna pay and then fuck off!" 

 He later calmed down and reassessed said sales morons excessive niceties:
 "I'm beginning to wonder if maybe she had Tourettes but she's trained herself to say odd pleasantries rather than things like 'CUNTING PISS-FLAPS?!’" 

And a recent favourite, upon asking boyfriend how his day was going and whether he was getting a lot done, he replied with:

"I've just done a bit of staring this afternoon really, not at anything in particular, I've just stared 'a thing' for a while and then, when I thought I'd stared long enough (i.e. just before the point of drawing attention to myself) I'd turn my head a bit and stare at something else."

So, on a scale of one to very, how worried should I be?

8 comments:

  1. From 1-10, I would only worry about a 3. Or 2 since he did calm down pretty quickly. Mayhaps he's just a little passionate, or has too much testosterone. Believe me, that is a MUCH better problem than not having enough. Just practice smiling and nodding. He sounds like a keeper.

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    1. Haha, thanks I think he's a keeper too... Although I might start trying to curb his sugar and E number intake! :)

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  2. I'm still waiting for you to write about the insane part. I guess there is your answer. He's actually pretty funny.

    I'm jealous. Of him.

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  3. Seriously, I was in tears at "CUNTING PISS-FLAPS?!" Funniest thing I heard all day, and that's saying something because I participated in Friday Night Twitter.

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    1. Haha, okay, I'm going to accept that he's a comedy genius and not a window-licking crazy. I don't think I've ever been on Twitter on a Friday night. What's it like? I imagine everyone's drunk and even more argumentative and less coherent than usual...

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    2. Oooh, never mind, I've just seen you've already written all about it! I'll check that out in a bit :)

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  4. My Husby once told me that he thought I was about as scary as a bicycle. And he seems to say "flange" a lot more than is strictly necessary.

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  5. Haha! Is he at least an Engineer?!? They actually have to use the term flange a lot :)

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