How to Manage Your Stylist - A Lesson in Hindsight

So this weekend, in a fickle free-spirited attempt to inject some sort of change or drama in to my life I had a fringe cut in (that's bangs to y'all 'Muricans). It's a really thick fringe but the back of my hair is still really long. I'm not going to lie to you or play this down – it’s basically a mullet. I pretty much walked in to that salon looking like Kristen Stewart and I walked out looking like Rod Stewart. As far as transformations go, that is the mother of all fuck-ups. I can’t even tie my hair back and wait for it to grow out because then I look like this...

Lesbian chic

Yeah, 1980’s rocker mullet or man-boy singing sensation – they are my basic looks now. I think you'll all agree they are two VERY strong looks. Strong for a boy, sure, but whatever, I'm not going to be tied down by your antiquated societal gender norms or trends, okay?! Plus if I wear huge trailer-trash earrings people can still tell I'm a chick so it's fine.

Now I know I could cry and scream and blame the hairdresser but I know, deep down, this was my own doing. I was completely unprepared. And you know what they say, “Fail to prepare, prepare to end up with a mullet.’ So to save anyone else from ever having to leave their hairdressers with an unwanted mullet or otherwise looking like a complete tool, I'm going to give out some basic tips based on my own experience. You can look elsewhere for the usual 'Styles to suit your face shape' BS because that's just witchcraft anyway. This is a guide to managing your experience when opting for a drastic hair transformation.

Step 1 - Think about your style IN ADVANCE

When I walked in to the hairdressers on Saturday morning I made an impulse decision to change my look. ‘Fringe’ popped in to my head and ‘Fringe’ is what I asked for. But the second the stylist made that first tentative cut to the front of my hair and about 12 inches of hair fell off in to my lap I started to hyperventilate. I hadn't thought it through, what if it looked terrible? What kind of fringe did I even want? Front, side, long, short? WHY COULDN'T I ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?!? How could she get this right if I couldn't even tell her what 'right' was??? Having given extensive thought to your change in style will enable you to avoid crying on the pavement outside the salon, beating the ground with your fist, screaming, "WHY GOD? WWWHHHYYY???"

Step 2 - Have a picture to show your stylist

Take a photo, a magazine or a picture on your phone, something physical that you can point to and say, "Make me look EXACTLY like that." Words are subjective, style is subjective. So while you might say 'fringe but long in the back’ and be thinking  Zooey Deschanel a la New Girl, your Stylist might be thinking 'fringe but long in the back' like David Bowie in Labyrinth. There's a big difference and you don't wanna get caught on the wrong side of that confusion.

Only Bowie can pull this off

Step 3 - Ask for a countdown 

As I mentioned above, the first cut to my fringe made me recoil in horror. My stylist asked if I was okay and whether this was what I wanted. The only words I could gasp around my desperate breaths were, "Well it's a bit [INHALE] fucking late [INHALE] to say 'No' [INHALE] now, isn't it?!" If you're making drastic hair changes and you're still not sure about it when you sit in the chair - Ask for a countdown. What do I mean? I mean tell that bitch to grab the first bit of hair that's going to be chopped super short and say, out loud and in advance, "Okay, I'm going to cut ALL OF THIS OFF in 5, 4, 3, 2 aaaaannnnddd gone." That way, if you need to chicken out last second, you can. And you're now the person who 'Just had a trim' instead of 'That chick with the mullet.' You're welcome.

Step 4 – Examine, adjust, repeat 

There’s a weird chunk of hair that’s longer than the rest, it’s got something of a rat tale quality to it. Find it, point to it, request alteration. Do not worry that your stylist has been whinging her bag off about being run off her feet and how her next appointment should have started 10 minutes ago. Their inability to stick to appointment times is not your concern, living with an unwanted bowl cut/mullet/rat tail IS your concern. Any thoughts along the lines of, 'Oh I'll just tidy this up myself at home' are foolish and you will end up looking like Noel Fielding. This is fine if you're a Camden Town hipster... not so much if you're a small town girl that works in an office.

Noel Fielding - Hair Sensation

Note: That last tip only works when: the cut isn't short enough; you can see uneven layers or length; or excessive thickness where you requested thinning out. This tip can and should be ignored if the stylist has cut too much hair off and/or she's already made you look like Noel Fielding and you suspect she may be drunk or high or simply an evil psychopath. If this is the case just start crying immediately and demand to see a manager.