Please Mansplain Sex And When It’s Actually Okay For Ladies To Have It

Dear The Sun,

I just read your insightful piece about ‘Magaluf Girl’ and what a terrible excuse for a person she is, deserving of the utmost scorn usually reserved for baby killers and people who don't hold the lift when they totally saw me coming and I'd totally said 'Hey, hold the lift'.

Well done for sending your top journos to stalk teenage drinkers in Magaluf by the way, it really is important that people know where, how and how often these scum-bags are getting their rocks off. I mean sure, there’s people dying in wars or committing crimes and the general everypleb is being totally screwed in the arsehole by bankers, but hey, this stuff is just waaaaaay more important than all that so-called "proper news", right? Heaven forfend people didn't have a reason for taking to Twitter to annihilate the reputation of a young girl who licked a few tips. Oh, yeah, I did the maths. 24 guys in 2 minutes averages about 5 seconds per guy, and when you factor in time to get between them all then I assume she just licked some tips and it seemed like it was all consensual tip-licking to me and is that so big a deal? I don’t mean to down play this horrendous situation which will surely land us all IN THE FIERY DEPTHS OF HELL, I just think maybe my poor little lady-brain didn't understand why this was ‘news’. Is consensual sex and sex acts in a place where people go to do sex and sex acts really all that important? 

Is this okay?

Also my teeny tiny lady-brain was a teeny tiny bit confused about Page 3, which I don't want to attack of course, gosh no, because it is a "British Institution" (just like screwing the poor and invading countries). It just seems to conflict with the general idea that sex is wrong and immoral and disgusting and ladies shouldn't want any part of it. See, with you being a family newspaper and all, I kinda grew up feeling like a big part of what you were about was telling women we must be sexy and nekked and not bother ourselves with thoughts and opinions and such nonesense. Like we should be all ‘Oooooh, look at my lovely fleshy fun-bags, don’t you want to do a sex on me?’ But now I'm so confused, doesn't being all sexy and half-nekked usually lead to some sexing? And now you're saying that actual sexxing is not okay. Only letting men drool over my lovely t-shirt melons is okay. Because these seem like conflicting ideas to me. Not just conflicting but kind of massively hypocritical and cunty and I get a bit stabby when I think about it. 

So yeah, if you could please go ahead and ladysplain to my teeny tiny lady-brain when I'm actually allowed to have sex, and how often and with how many people and in which positions, I’d be super grateful! Or maybe just take the bare boobs out of your family newspaper altogether if you want to be so fucking uppity and judgemental about women having sex, you hypocritical piss-weasels. 

Sincerest Regards,

Pleb