My Image Revamp Advice for the Nasty Party: Don't Mention Anything You've Actually Done

Dear Tory Party,

I read in the Guardian yesterday that you have hired some fancy new "election strategist" who has been fielding advice from fellow Tories on how to avoid the 'Nasty Party' image at the upcoming election. I'll be honest with you, I don't think 'not attacking Ed Miliband' is really going to cover it. People don't think you're nasty because of your campaign tactics, people think you're nasty because of your abhorrent policies. People have killed themselves and starved to death as a direct result of YOUR policies. But hey, maybe us feckless plebs will forget all that if you just don't mention it.

Oh and while we're on the subject of things to avoid, maybe don't mention how you provide slave labour to companies like Tesco and Primark that could easily afford to pay workers, thus taking paid jobs away when paid jobs are already pretty fucking hard to come by, as evidenced by the number of people needing job seekers fucking allowance.

The Desolate North - Fuck that place!

Or that time you trebled tuition fees, claiming that only a few institutions would charge the maximum anyway... oh and now they pretty much all are. But that's ok because you only want the rich to be educated anyway, heaven forfend the fucking proles will learn a thing or two and realise Satan himself couldn't damn them worse than you have.

Oh and definitely don't mention that time you sold off "half the country" for fracking to the highest bidder for what experts suggest will be a pitiful amount of gas anyway because fuck "the desolate North," am I right guys?!

If you really think you're going to need to actually mention some things then maybe you could just jump up and down screaming, "Hey you guys! Remember the Olympics? Good times, huh? Goods times brought to you by The Tories, no less!"

This maybe hasn't been the sort of helpful advice you were looking for but don't worry your fugly little heads about that because I have more chance of winning the next X-Factor with my arm-pit farting routine than you do of winning the next election. But by all means, don't let that stop you from using your inflated campaign budget to shine up Cameron's bloated gammon-face and smear it all over billboards again.

Sincerest regards,

Pleb