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| "I left you a present..." |
Why do people like cats? Seriously, what’s the deal with
that? Dogs will love you more than your own mother could, but cats? Nope. To a cat you're just a big fleshy tin-opener. I've had a cat for barely a week and I hate it. Ok, by ‘had a
cat’ I mean, ‘a stray showed up at our house a few times and I fed it and called it Atticat Finch’, but that’s pretty much the same thing, right? I
mean, that’s how those indolent groin-licking little brats operate whether
they’re part of the family or not, they just turn up when they want some food. So I fed it, evidently because I am so desperate for love that I've turned in to a total schmuck. And how did that homeless bastard repay my kindness?
HE TOOK A MASSIVE SHIT IN MY VEGETABLE PATCH! Yeah, just yesterday, right on the potatoes...
On the eve of World Cat Day no less!
So to repay that gesture I think I'll personally be celebrating World
Cat Day by sitting in my garden with a supersoaker, a cigar and a sign that
reads "Bring it!” And if he so much as gets on the garden fence I swear to God I'm going
to lock eyes and I'm going to speak to him really slow and husky and menacing, and I'm going to
say:
‘I know what you're thinking,
punk. You're thinking "Has she filled that supersoaker with water or with lemonade, because lemonade would totally fuck my fur up?" Now to
tell you the truth I forgot myself in all this excitement. But being this is a
Hydrostorm Water Blaster, the most powerful supersoaker in the world and will
drench your fur clean off, you've gotta ask yourself a question: "Do I
feel lucky?" Well... do ya... punk?’
Then I'm going to take a long drag on my cigar, casually blow out a smoke ring and then glare at him real sinister like as I whisper, ‘Your
move, asshole.’
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