I Bet I Can Make You Miserable

I haven't written anything for a while because, well, because "I am completely miserable, San Diego!" Don't worry, I'm not dying, I'm not even clinically depressed, I’m just miserable. I'm one of those lucky, lucky chicks who gets hit by PMS like a train and all of a sudden I can hardly do anything. Not always, but a few times a year. And when it happens I pretty much turn in to a walking talking mess of profanity and blind hatred. I hate work, I hate people, I hate inanimate objects, I really hate mirrors and I probably even hate puppies. I don't want to leave the house and if you make me you better make damn sure you hold my hand otherwise I may well jump in front of a bus.

I'm slowly coming through the other side and have decided to get the hell back to work, blog work anyway. I don't write when I'm grumpy because I'd probably just write "Oh please just fuck off world" over and over and over again and the internet deserves better than that. Not much better, but definitely a bit better.

So, what a week to miss! Russia is totally invading the Ukraine but no-one's really talking about that, I'm sure it's okay though and they'll probably totaallllyyy behave once they get their way just this one time. I mean if History has taught us anything it’s that… oh, actually… wait. Also in the news, uppity prudes everywhere took to the media to tell female celebrities that if they don’t want their naked photos stolen then they should just NOT TAKE NAKED PHOTOS. Also burglary victims could help out by just not having houses and in fact victims of all crimes should just not exist because existing is just asking for trouble and if y'all could go ahead and juuuust kill yourselves, that'd be super and the world would be a much safer place.

In news yesterday, Prince William has blown his royal load in to the royal vagina and knocked up Princess Kate again... I assume in a desperate attempt to evoke some national pride and woo Scotland in to not leaving us in that little referendum thing they have coming up. Because nothing says, “We understand you’re pissed off about being minimum wage slaves for rich tyrants,” like bringing yet another freeloading Overlord in to the world for them to curtsy to. In seriousness, if there are any Scots reading, please don't leave us. We know you're angry and we know we've let you down, but please, give us another chance. If you leave, you abandon us to a Tory Government for, well, the foreseeable future until the end of days. I know we did bad at the last election, we didn’t mean to, we thought we were voting Lib Dem, we didn’t know that meant we were voting Tory. Please, give us another chance and I promise you that will NEVER happen again!

In other news, Islamic State and...... Oh who cares, we're all doomed. DOOMED I SAY!!!

(P.s. See how much fun I am when I'm PMSing?)

CLICK-BAIT COULD BE KILLING YOU! Click here to find out how…

Hello my fellow rage-monkeys,

Today we’re going to talk about click-bait. Don’t know what click-bait is? Click-bait is when writers and marketers use desperate and underhand methods to get you to view their content (like this title does – forgive me). Don’t get me wrong, click-bait is not always bad. There’s harmless heart-string plucking click-bait from sites like Upworthy.com. You know, like, when you see an ad or video in your Facebook feed titled, ‘This homeless alcoholic found a kitten in a tiara, what happens next will ASTOUND YOU.’ Meh, what harm does it do? Other than lie to you, of course, because you might chuckle or crease up and “Awwww” at the video but I doubt you’ll rock back on your chair and clutch your head, screaming, “HOLY SHIT! THAT WAS ASTOUNDING!” But ultimately, your day and emotional well-being will remain unchanged.

AWW HELL NO

Then there’s another kind of click-bait. The rage-inducing kind. This is the kind I hate, because it makes me fucking angry… See, I’m livid right now. This kind of click-bait is intended to upset you, to tell you that the world is a horrible, hate-filled place and boy should you lose your shit about it right. now. I’m talking about articles about say, some Z-list celebrity calling Robin Williams “selfish” for committing suicide. It provokes anger that someone could be so judgemental without having a single-fucking-iota of insight in to Robin’s personal struggles and at the same time contributing to the already overflowing sea of ignorance surrounding mental health issues, especially in men. Ya see kids, for some whey-protein-brained thunder-cunts, it’s still considered unmanly to be depressed, to feel incapable of carrying on, ‘Men should be strong and selfless alphas… Like War Machine.’

Do you see what I did there; I went off on a rage-induced rant, because click-bait made me angry about something that really, I shouldn’t even have known about. I did the same thing when I found out Westborough Baptist Church plans to picket Robin’s funeral because he sometimes played gay/gay-friendly characters. That rant went like this: SERIOUSLY! JUST FUCK OFF YOU UNGODLY SCUM-SUCKING CAVE-DWELLING INBRED MEDIA-WHORE FUCKTARDS!

Then I thought, whose day was ruined here? Whose emotional well-being was disrupted? Yep, MINE. And maybe yours too if you had a similar (but probably less profane) reaction to these stories. And why? Because some media fucknuts decided to make it “news”. Some asshole saying something assholey does not need to be news, but it sure does sell more than dweeby so-called “proper news.” If a website can create a title that upsets and angers us it makes us more likely to click through to the article and, by default, increase their site traffic. This means they can report back to their evil advertisement overlords that they get ‘X number of unique visitors each month’ and ‘Y numbers of clicks per minute’.  So they’re peddling hate for monetary gain, wouldn't that make them kind of like Satan's little helpers? Yes kids, yes it would.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is this: Maybe the next time you see a headline that makes you jerk forward with your best AWW-HELL-NO face on, ask yourself, ‘Is this really something I need to see? And if you do, ‘Does the injustice justify the rage?’ For articles about terrorism, war, miscarriages of justice, media and political corruption, etc then the answers should probably be ‘Yes Pleb, of course, you derp!’ But for articles about barely-even-famous-anymore folks saying douchey things, maybe they should be No. The less we read this tripe, the less they’ll produce because it will no longer be financial viable. So instead of clicking, why not carry on living your awesome life? After all, the Twitterati will respond to Twitter douchery with counter-vitriol and politicians and the police can deal with douche groups in their local community – and all that can be achieved without assholes being given a global stage for their assholery and upsetting our otherwise beautiful days.

Please Mansplain Sex And When It’s Actually Okay For Ladies To Have It

Dear The Sun,

I just read your insightful piece about ‘Magaluf Girl’ and what a terrible excuse for a person she is, deserving of the utmost scorn usually reserved for baby killers and people who don't hold the lift when they totally saw me coming and I'd totally said 'Hey, hold the lift'.

Well done for sending your top journos to stalk teenage drinkers in Magaluf by the way, it really is important that people know where, how and how often these scum-bags are getting their rocks off. I mean sure, there’s people dying in wars or committing crimes and the general everypleb is being totally screwed in the arsehole by bankers, but hey, this stuff is just waaaaaay more important than all that so-called "proper news", right? Heaven forfend people didn't have a reason for taking to Twitter to annihilate the reputation of a young girl who licked a few tips. Oh, yeah, I did the maths. 24 guys in 2 minutes averages about 5 seconds per guy, and when you factor in time to get between them all then I assume she just licked some tips and it seemed like it was all consensual tip-licking to me and is that so big a deal? I don’t mean to down play this horrendous situation which will surely land us all IN THE FIERY DEPTHS OF HELL, I just think maybe my poor little lady-brain didn't understand why this was ‘news’. Is consensual sex and sex acts in a place where people go to do sex and sex acts really all that important? 

Is this okay?

Also my teeny tiny lady-brain was a teeny tiny bit confused about Page 3, which I don't want to attack of course, gosh no, because it is a "British Institution" (just like screwing the poor and invading countries). It just seems to conflict with the general idea that sex is wrong and immoral and disgusting and ladies shouldn't want any part of it. See, with you being a family newspaper and all, I kinda grew up feeling like a big part of what you were about was telling women we must be sexy and nekked and not bother ourselves with thoughts and opinions and such nonesense. Like we should be all ‘Oooooh, look at my lovely fleshy fun-bags, don’t you want to do a sex on me?’ But now I'm so confused, doesn't being all sexy and half-nekked usually lead to some sexing? And now you're saying that actual sexxing is not okay. Only letting men drool over my lovely t-shirt melons is okay. Because these seem like conflicting ideas to me. Not just conflicting but kind of massively hypocritical and cunty and I get a bit stabby when I think about it. 

So yeah, if you could please go ahead and ladysplain to my teeny tiny lady-brain when I'm actually allowed to have sex, and how often and with how many people and in which positions, I’d be super grateful! Or maybe just take the bare boobs out of your family newspaper altogether if you want to be so fucking uppity and judgemental about women having sex, you hypocritical piss-weasels. 

Sincerest Regards,

Pleb