How Not To Run A Restaurant - A Simpleton’s Guide

This weekend I took my boyfriend away for his birthday because I am lovely that way. I took him for a fancy French meal on Saturday night so for Sunday lunch I found something a little more reasonably priced because what am I, made of money?! I did my research and found a three course Sunday lunch at a hotel restaurant which, because I am an actual saint, will remain nameless. The service, food and atmosphere were so excruciatingly bad that I wish I’d told my boyfriend I was taking him for a Faulty Towers experience lunch because at least then it might have seemed funny. (For all of you lucky enough to be too young to know what Faulty Towers is - trust me, it's a good reference, ask your parents.)

If I was the kind of person who enjoyed lambasting restaurants on Trip Advisor I’d be wringing my hands with glee right now, but I’m not. I do however think that if you are running a restaurant and looking confused as hell as to why no-one wants to come through your doors and those unfortunates who do tend to flee crying and retching afterwards, maybe you can learn something from my horrible experience. So without further ado, here is my guide on how not to run a restaurant based on everything that was wrong with yesterdays dining experience at The God Damn You Are So Lucky I Am Not Meaner Hotel and Restaurant.

Profiteroles... Totally a real thing!

1. If your menu includes '-of the Day' specials, maybe prep your waiting staff so that they have some idea of what these dishes actually are. That way, they don't have to look dumbstruck and scratch their heads like monkeys being arse-probed by aliens when asked, "What is the soup du jour?"

2. Did you store the prosciutto starter next to some roadkill in the fridge? Well don't. It tasted funkier than that one time I licked a frog to see if it would get me high. (Spoiler alert - it did not).

3. If you are serving Sunday roasts, don't cook the meat the day (or week) before and then reheat it to order. I think trying to swallow a whole, live, kicking, screaming cow would be less of a choking hazard than your so-called "beef". 

4. Obscure butter-overkill beige mash which could have been swede (...or carrot... or parsnip) - Did you jizz in that? I bet you did, you fucker. Well the jokes on you because I didn't dare touch it.

5. If you have ‘Profiteroles’ on the dessert menu maybe let your waitress know that yes, this is a real thing, it is quite common and it is pronounced "Prof-it-er-roles," not "Parf-? Prof-? Em, sorry, what does that say?" [Facepalm]

6. Also, profiteroles have cream in them; they do not need to be served with four dessert spoons full of clotted cream just haphazardly slapped on the side of the plate like dairy diarrhoea. It looks gross and who the hell do you think is eating that much cream?!

7. The sticky toffee pudding with custard - did you put cold custard on a cold dessert and then microwave the whole thing? It came with a thick film on top, like a school dinner from the 1990's. What is up with that? In future, instead of dessert, just give all customers trophies and medals for getting this far without sobbing and screaming, "WHAT IS THIS UNHOLY GRUEL, DEMON?!" 

8. Restaurant on the 4th floor, toilets on the 1st floor - REALLY?!?! That's just bad planning, given your terrible "food" I bet there are nightclub bathrooms that see less upchuck than your elevator.

How eating here made me feel

9. Teach your waitresses basic waiting on etiquette. For example, when I ask for the bill, a good waitress does not plonk it down in front of me and then stand by the table waiting to be paid that second. And when I look at them expectantly waiting from them to go away and let me take my time over paying, a good waitress does not stare back at me stupefied like they've just dropped acid and I've turned in to a giant singing vagina.

10. Michael Bublé and other God awful miscellaneous 'lounge music' does not make this place feel upmarket and classy, it makes it feel like Satan's waiting room. I would let an animal piss in my actual ear before I would listen to that music again.